Crackling Tele
by Sanis
Summary: Integra and Alucard wind up watching the tube together. Hilarity ensues. WARNING! This product contains nuts. Please do not eat if you have an allergic reaction.


A/N – I guess you could say I'm on a role. I want to write, but I don't want to update Nibbles because no one is reviewing it, and if the readers can't be excited for it than neither can I.

Hey. I don't own jack shit. Or Hellsing. Or milk and cookies.

P.S. Er, sorry in advance… I don't know how well this fic is going to work out.

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"Delicious," he said to it, his voice was laced with sarcasm. "You're just a tasty little strumpet, aren't you?"

Integra walked into the room, just as he was adjusting himself on the couch.

She had heard voices from her office and had wondered what was going on in the other room. What she found surprised her. She looked him over as if he was mad….actually, she knew he was mad. She just looked at him oddly.

"What are you doing?" she asked, exasperation in her voice.

He looked at her as if she were dumb. "I'm watching television," he told her dryly. "It's a novel pastime if you do it right."

She snorted. "That tube will melt your brain if you let it." She walked over and grabbed for the remote.

He was faster.

"I think not Master," he said as she glowered at him. "This is not for touching."

"It's a remote," she snapped. "It's only purpose is for touching!"

He shrugged. She put her hands on her hips.

"I am the Master," she growled at him. "You're supposed to obey me."

"_I_ am watching _Carmen Sandiego_," he retorted. "It takes temporary precedence."

She glanced at the screen and was taken aback.

"She looks just like you!" Integra exclaimed. Her temporary battle for the remote was forgotten.

"I know," he said, pleased that she'd noticed. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Integra rolled her eyes.

"You're just jealous," he said with an air of indignation.

"Why, pray tell, is that?"

Alucard looked her over as if she had just crawled out of the rubbish bin.

"Because she's beautiful, intelligent and has captured my attention," he stated as if it were the God's own word. "Besides, you envy her ability to roam freely and pester the hell out of small children with her whereabouts, while using personal inventions and breaking the law."

Integra was not pleased. "How could I be jealous of all that? I've never seen the show! Besides, I think I'm intelligent enough, even if my looks aren't pleasing to you."

He flashed her a look of exasperation. "If you're beating around the bush, I just want you to know I already ate the birds."

"What?" she asked.

"Admittedly it didn't make much sense after I said it."

She sighed. "Just so you know, the Vatican wants to borrow you for the weekend."

Alucard's head spun around.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Something about-"

"I'd rather not, actually," he said coolly. "Regardless of the reason."

She smiled. "I told them I don't share."

He snorted.

"…"

Integra watched the screen a moment. "Did her hat just turn into a helicopter device?"

"No."

"Yes it did!"

"If you're so sure then why are you asking me?" he demanded. "Insufferable creature."

Her hands flew into the air.

"This is pointless," she said. "I'm leaving."

Alucard shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't you want me to stay?" she asked, hinting.

"Not really," he told her, his eyes never straying from the screen. "You've really just made a nuisance of yourself."

Integra sighed.

"I'm going to do paperwork," she said in a deadpan tone.

"Big shock," he muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"I thought so."

Integra left the room, Alucard's eyes followed her, and he made sure the door shut after her.

"Tee hee, you sly vampire you," he said to himself as he changed the channel. "_Real Sex_, here I come!"

The screen flipped to a bunch of grown people wearing diapers.

"…_the grown baby is often taken for odd or perverted, to derive sexual desire from pretending to be an infantile state, however the appeal of being a child and feeling the unconditional love of a parent can be sexually arousing…"_

"Back in my day they called that incest," he muttered to himself. "Freaks."

Alucard watched in silence for a moment, in awe and disgust.

"**Ah ha!**" yelled Integra as jumped up from behind the couch. "I knew you were up to no good!"

Alucard jumped, his eyes as wide as saucers. "Master!"

"You've been caught, you cad!" she laughed.

"You get some perverse pleasure out of aggravating me, don't you?" he asked miserably.

"Yes," she said solemnly. "What is this drivel you're watching anyway?"

"Nunya."

"Tell me or you go the Vatican to clean toilets!"

Alucard glared.

"It's _Real Sex_," he admitted, having been caught. "A late night show on HBO, it's about-"

"It looks odd," she said. "This doesn't look like porn at all, and yet there are semi naked people and it's on HBO."

He laughed. "It's not! Please, as if I need porn. I could lay any wench in this place."

She raised an eyebrow, but it was too easy.

"Why do you watch it then?"

He thought a moment.

"Well, it's morbid fascination, really."

She was not convinced. "Morbid fascination?"

"Yes," he replied.

There was a pause.

"Elaborate please."

"Oh," he said moving his hand as he thought of an example. "Like, when you drive past a car wreck and there are people smeared all over the road. You don't really want to look, but you slow down and stare anyway, because it can't be helped."

"Ah," she answered, starring, then after a moment. "Can I watch with you?"

He looked at her oddly now. "If you must."

She took a seat.

"What have I missed?" she asked.

"Well, they're showing a nanny ranch where adults dress up like babies and shit themselves, and play in sandboxes then get off as their 'dommy mommies' clean them up and take care of them."

"That's disgusting," she said. "Freaks."

He snorted.

She watched as a large woman in a polka dotted dress changed the diaper of a 40 something man who was sucking on a pacifier.

"Oh my," she said. "I'm so glad I skipped dinner."

"Aren't you glad they didn't show his man bits?" he asked, equally appalled.

She nodded.

"Alucard?"

"Yes."

"I can feel my brains melting."

"I know."

"I can't look away," she said.

"I know."

"I think this is really interesting."

"I know."

"I'm ashamed," she said. "…or rather, I'm ashamed that I'm not ashamed."

"Shut-up," he said. "You have way too many psychological problems to start worrying about the thing now."

She obliged.

Together they watched the whole episode. It wasn't sexually gratifying, just odd as hell.

"Alucard," she said at last. "Let's never speak of this again."

He nodded.

"Well, I'm off to bed. I have paper work up to my eyeballs for tomorrow."

"Uh huh," he said nonchalantly, as she got up. "Sweet dreams."

As she was leaving the room she paused in the door way. "Alucard, is this what you do every night that I don't put you on assignment?"

"Pretty much," he responded. "Late night television isn't known for being docile, but sometimes they show old Monty Python movies that aren't too bad."

"I think that someone is going to have to start helping me with paper work."

He growled at her as she left the room laughing.

"Damn woman," he cursed after she left. "I remember when I really did have to change her diapers."

He shuddered. Arthur always thought up the strangest punishments.

She might be having sweet dreams, but he was going to have nightmares.

A/N- This is weird, even by my standards. Hell, I'm not even sure what inspired it, except my unique sense of humor. Just so you know, both shows discussed above are real. I just watched the episode describe in Real Sex, it is fucking weird. So weird, in fact, that I had to own it and make it my own. And, I am not shitting you, they really have those diaper wearing oddballs and mommies who take care of them. Yucky.

Anywho, I would like reviews. Hell, flame me, I'm not picky. I'm a sad, sad person who depends on your meager opinions of me for personal gratification. If you write me a good one, I'll even respond. Promise. I can be as social as the next guy.

Review or no more stories for you!

And for you ungrateful whelps who NEVER review….I hope a dragon punches you in the kidney.

So the point is….**REVIEW!**

-Sanis Alexander


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